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đ saturday splash: hoopla rejects
who I WON'T be seeing next sunday
![](https://media.beehiiv.com/cdn-cgi/image/fit=scale-down,format=auto,onerror=redirect,quality=80/uploads/asset/file/965ff462-7589-4bb3-851d-4507149874d1/ezgif-4-746be3b39d.gif?t=1717847574)
Well, itâs that time of the year. Weâve eight days till Iâm going to the Mighty Hoopla festival and seven days until the majority of Queer London goes to the Mighty Hoopla festival.
As someone only doing one day and whoâs already planned out a decent enough itinerary, Iâm gonna give my thoughts on which acts that Iâll be skipping will be giving me FOMO (fear of missing out), and who will be giving me JOMO (joy of missing out).
For reference, my itinerary is:
13:00 â enter/lunch
13:40 â V
14:35 â Countess Luann
15:15 â Rachel Stevens
15:50 â Bailey J Mills
16:15 â Slicc N Thicc/dinner/probably a fairground ride/therefore Big Dyke Energy
17:15 â Alison Goldfrapp
18:30 â Jojo Siwa
19:15 â Rita Ora
20:30 â Sink the Pink for like two seconds
20:45 â Rozalla + Olâ Dirty Brasstards
MAJOR JOMO
![Roisin Murphy and Jessie Ware, wearing neon lipstick and pantsuits and looking serious and not at all having questionable political beliefs](https://media.beehiiv.com/cdn-cgi/image/fit=scale-down,format=auto,onerror=redirect,quality=80/uploads/asset/file/bc61011e-e332-4237-a865-ba6cbc4471d3/jessie_ware_roising_murphy_freak_me_now.jpg?t=1716669735)
POV: youâre about to crush your entire fanbase (consisting of me and 2,000 thirtysomething White otters in tank tops)âs dreams
Jessie Ware (Sun) â obviously sheâll never beat the Zionism accusations, but even if itâs a false rumour, Iâve already seen her live at Sink the Pink. Sure, it was before her Whatâs Your Pleasure disco-queen prime, but Iâm not exactly dying to see her perform Free Yourself live. Watching her do Runninâ is enough for me.
Keiynan (Sat) â once went to Israel to see âboth sidesâ of the genocide a la current-day Tiffany Haddish. Wonder if tree still stands by that; am still cautious.
Cat Burns (Sun) â nothing against her; again, Iâve already seen her live (in an đ» intimate setting đ» no less) and am in no rush to see her again.
MINOR JOMO
Bambie Thug (Sun) â only because of their complicitness r.e. performing at Eurovision. Shame because theyâre very intriguing; itâs just I have convictions.
Kim Petras (Sat) â if she hadnât cancelled. Would be in the Major FOMO category if it wasnât for Dr Puke being her overlord. Iâd say good riddance but sheâll probably be back next year and Iâll probably âthe shit I put up withâ myself to see her set.
NEITHER JOMO NOR FOMO
![The CD cover of Brian McFaddenad Delta Goodrem's song Almost Here, which is very 00s and has them on doctor's chairs being all sulky](https://media.beehiiv.com/cdn-cgi/image/fit=scale-down,format=auto,onerror=redirect,quality=80/uploads/asset/file/5a304a2a-da68-451b-8235-3e7fb091ca72/ab67616d0000b27372370e2d02dcf2c6067b95c7.jpg?t=1716670166)
Probably a more morally decent collaboration than Roisin Murphy and Jessie Ware.
Delta Goodrem (Sun) â I have no idea how any of her songs go, except for possibly the titular lyric of Out Of The Blue. I donât even remember how her song with Brian McFadden went, even though the fact that they merely did something together is a fact that nobody can forget.
The Veronicas (Sun) â I actually do know and like their songs (I mean, my favourite movie is Sheâs The Man and I canât hear âForeverâ without also hearing Amanda Bynes tell a kid to stay in school); they just feel a bit âthereâ to me.
Slayyyter (Sat) â I like her songs (Tattoo is the Radio 2 B-Lister that never was), I just feel like Iâd be more in a hurry to see her if it was five years ago and Ayesha Erotica hadnât been unfairly hounded out of the public eye yet.
Eve (Sat) â Again, great songs. But, even if she told my friend Mitchell that sheâs performing, will she? Or has she passed the baton to Agnes?
MINOR FOMO
Nelly Furtado (Sat) â because what if she brings out her backing singer to Tarzan wail during âSay It Rightâ?
Like, imagine being this guy and bragging that youâre in Nelly Furtadoâs backing band, and when youâre asked what you play, youâre like âI just go AaAaAaaAaaA during the chorus of Say It Rightâ. Iconic man he is.
Bananarama (Sat) â only for them performing their Ninetiestastic version of âMore More Moreâ, a song which Iâm going to see Rachel Stevens perform instead. Maybe âCruel Summerâ as well.
Shaznay Lewis (Sun) â because Iâd much prefer to see all four All Saints, which feels a little farfetched at the moment. At least weâd get âDaddy-Oâ?
Maya Jane Coles (Sat) â to hear âWhat They Sayâ and âWhat They Sayâ only
Gala (Sun) â ditto. Trombolese. Freed From Desire is definitely a case of DODGY ESOL SONGWRITING, and I am sad I wonât be hearing it next Sunday.
Louise (Sun) â actually has multiple songs that Iâd like to hear her sing, and (along with KĂ©llĂ©) obviously helped banish the Bennett Sisters after they TERFâd out. Will probably not be dressing up as a flamingo and shimmying to âLady Marmaladeâ though.
Man Up! (Sun) â I didnât go to any of the heats this year or the final, and Iâll probably save the pomp for the National Theatre. Obviously I want to see any of Cripâs acts (I have a feeling Iâm gonna love him), as well as Su Miâs, Laz Lightningâs, Jeanâs⊠goodness can I go on!
Pxssy Liquor (Sat) â Pole dancers. Thatâs all Iâm saying.
MAJOR FOMO
En Vogue (Sat) â because fucking âMy Lovinâ has been stuck in my head for the past week. What a song.
Cher Lloyd (Sat) â My swagger may barely be in check since 2011, but I lowkey wanna be friends with her. I feel like sheâll give me the right energy for me right now.
Amanda Lepore (Sun) â I also want to be friends with her. I love how authentic she is and to be in her presence would be absolutely wonderful.
Sexquisite (Sat) â because the thought of a sex workerâs cabaret sounds so intriguing. Can you please invite me to review one of your next nights?
Shotgun Carousel (Sat) â I thought they were there both nights? I am confusion. Again, please invite me to review your next event unless itâs in Woolwich (personal reasons; canât be arsed to explain).
Pxxsy Palace (Sun) â I can theoretically squeeze them into my itinerary for fifteen minutes, but that seems like too short a time. With them obvs being a QTIPOC-focused night, seeing them at a festival would probably be the best way to authentically support them on a budget, without disrupting space. If it wasnât for Rachel bloody Stevens, ehâŠ
Mind you, all of this planning will probably backfire on me. My main attraction last year was Roisin Murphy, and we all know what happenedâŠ
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