🌊 saturday splash: hoopla rejects

who I WON'T be seeing next sunday

Well, it’s that time of the year. We’ve eight days till I’m going to the Mighty Hoopla festival and seven days until the majority of Queer London goes to the Mighty Hoopla festival.

As someone only doing one day and who’s already planned out a decent enough itinerary, I’m gonna give my thoughts on which acts that I’ll be skipping will be giving me FOMO (fear of missing out), and who will be giving me JOMO (joy of missing out).

For reference, my itinerary is:
13:00 – enter/lunch
13:40 – V
14:35 – Countess Luann
15:15 – Rachel Stevens
15:50 – Bailey J Mills
16:15 – Slicc N Thicc/dinner/probably a fairground ride/therefore Big Dyke Energy
17:15 – Alison Goldfrapp
18:30 – Jojo Siwa
19:15 – Rita Ora
20:30 – Sink the Pink for like two seconds
20:45 – Rozalla + Ol’ Dirty Brasstards

MAJOR JOMO

Roisin Murphy and Jessie Ware, wearing neon lipstick and pantsuits and looking serious and not at all having questionable political beliefs

POV: you’re about to crush your entire fanbase (consisting of me and 2,000 thirtysomething White otters in tank tops)’s dreams

Jessie Ware (Sun) – obviously she’ll never beat the Zionism accusations, but even if it’s a false rumour, I’ve already seen her live at Sink the Pink. Sure, it was before her What’s Your Pleasure disco-queen prime, but I’m not exactly dying to see her perform Free Yourself live. Watching her do Runnin’ is enough for me.

Keiynan (Sat) – once went to Israel to see “both sides” of the genocide a la current-day Tiffany Haddish. Wonder if tree still stands by that; am still cautious.

Cat Burns (Sun) – nothing against her; again, I’ve already seen her live (in an 🌻 intimate setting 🌻 no less) and am in no rush to see her again.

MINOR JOMO

Bambie Thug (Sun) – only because of their complicitness r.e. performing at Eurovision. Shame because they’re very intriguing; it’s just I have convictions.

Kim Petras (Sat) – if she hadn’t cancelled. Would be in the Major FOMO category if it wasn’t for Dr Puke being her overlord. I’d say good riddance but she’ll probably be back next year and I’ll probably “the shit I put up with” myself to see her set.

NEITHER JOMO NOR FOMO

The CD cover of Brian McFaddenad Delta Goodrem's song Almost Here, which is very 00s and has them on doctor's chairs being all sulky

Probably a more morally decent collaboration than Roisin Murphy and Jessie Ware.

Delta Goodrem (Sun) – I have no idea how any of her songs go, except for possibly the titular lyric of Out Of The Blue. I don’t even remember how her song with Brian McFadden went, even though the fact that they merely did something together is a fact that nobody can forget.

The Veronicas (Sun) – I actually do know and like their songs (I mean, my favourite movie is She’s The Man and I can’t hear ‘Forever’ without also hearing Amanda Bynes tell a kid to stay in school); they just feel a bit “there” to me.

Slayyyter (Sat) – I like her songs (Tattoo is the Radio 2 B-Lister that never was), I just feel like I’d be more in a hurry to see her if it was five years ago and Ayesha Erotica hadn’t been unfairly hounded out of the public eye yet.

Eve (Sat) – Again, great songs. But, even if she told my friend Mitchell that she’s performing, will she? Or has she passed the baton to Agnes?

MINOR FOMO

Nelly Furtado (Sat) – because what if she brings out her backing singer to Tarzan wail during ‘Say It Right’?

Like, imagine being this guy and bragging that you’re in Nelly Furtado’s backing band, and when you’re asked what you play, you’re like “I just go AaAaAaaAaaA during the chorus of Say It Right”. Iconic man he is.

Bananarama (Sat) – only for them performing their Ninetiestastic version of ‘More More More’, a song which I’m going to see Rachel Stevens perform instead. Maybe ‘Cruel Summer’ as well.

Shaznay Lewis (Sun) – because I’d much prefer to see all four All Saints, which feels a little farfetched at the moment. At least we’d get ‘Daddy-O’?

Maya Jane Coles (Sat) – to hear ‘What They Say’ and ‘What They Say’ only

Gala (Sun) – ditto. Trombolese. Freed From Desire is definitely a case of DODGY ESOL SONGWRITING, and I am sad I won’t be hearing it next Sunday.

Louise (Sun) – actually has multiple songs that I’d like to hear her sing, and (along with Kéllé) obviously helped banish the Bennett Sisters after they TERF’d out. Will probably not be dressing up as a flamingo and shimmying to ‘Lady Marmalade’ though.

Man Up! (Sun) – I didn’t go to any of the heats this year or the final, and I’ll probably save the pomp for the National Theatre. Obviously I want to see any of Crip’s acts (I have a feeling I’m gonna love him), as well as Su Mi’s, Laz Lightning’s, Jean’s… goodness can I go on!

Pxssy Liquor (Sat) – Pole dancers. That’s all I’m saying.

MAJOR FOMO

En Vogue (Sat) – because fucking ‘My Lovin’ has been stuck in my head for the past week. What a song.

Cher Lloyd (Sat) – My swagger may barely be in check since 2011, but I lowkey wanna be friends with her. I feel like she’ll give me the right energy for me right now.

Amanda Lepore (Sun) – I also want to be friends with her. I love how authentic she is and to be in her presence would be absolutely wonderful.

Sexquisite (Sat) – because the thought of a sex worker’s cabaret sounds so intriguing. Can you please invite me to review one of your next nights?

Shotgun Carousel (Sat) – I thought they were there both nights? I am confusion. Again, please invite me to review your next event unless it’s in Woolwich (personal reasons; can’t be arsed to explain).

Pxxsy Palace (Sun) – I can theoretically squeeze them into my itinerary for fifteen minutes, but that seems like too short a time. With them obvs being a QTIPOC-focused night, seeing them at a festival would probably be the best way to authentically support them on a budget, without disrupting space. If it wasn’t for Rachel bloody Stevens, eh…

Mind you, all of this planning will probably backfire on me. My main attraction last year was Roisin Murphy, and we all know what happened…

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